The Family Disease

The cost to the alcoholic’s family is devastating. If one person in a family unit has a drinking problem, then all members of the family are affected. It is a family problem because it impacts on a family's stability, unity, mental and physical health. Children are particularly affected growing up in an alcohol or drug using home.

One does not progress from social drinking to alcoholism over night. There are predictable stages as the disease progresses. Accompanying this sad development, there are also stages and common factors that family members suffer. These stages include:

Denial

- Alcoholism has been called "the disease of denial" both for the chemically dependent person and his or her family. The abnormal becomes normal. The whole situation often becomes too much to deal with, so families learn to pretend. They act as if everything is okay. Family members in denial of the disease of alcoholism will often say, or truly believe, "It’s not that bad."

Preoccupation

- Family members become totally absorbed in the mood, behaviour and activity of the chemically dependent person. The families' world revolves around the dependent person. This occurs to such an extent that family members often neglect their own responsibilities.

Fear

- Because of the unpredictable, often erratic behaviour of the alcoholic/dependent person, family life is full of anxiety and dread. No one knows what will happen next, or when, but, based on experience, everybody expects trouble. Not knowing what to expect from one day to the next or one minute to the next, creates tension in the alcoholic home. Family members may try to suppress feelings of anger, shame and worry. Then, later, they may overreact.

Lying

- Family members try to cover up, downplay or hide the problems caused by another’s drinking. They lie to children, extended family members, neighbours, creditors, employers and themselves.

Guilt

- Family members have a way of blaming themselves in some way for the persons drinking or using making endless excuses for them. They believe that if they did something better or different then the drinking would stop.

Isolation

- Communication in the family is seriously affected. People stop talking, sharing and caring. Family members learn quickly, "Don’t trust, don’t talk, don’t feel." Family members don’t talk about what’s going on with them or their home life.

Role takeover

- Others take over the alcoholic or user’s roles and responsibilities, including parenting, financial obligations and household chores. In alcoholic families, older children often take over for one or both parents.

Resentment

- Family members are ashamed, hurt and angry about what has happened in their lives. They hold onto negative thoughts, feelings and blaming for years, sometimes even after the alcoholic stops drinking, dies or leaves their lives.

Sexual problems

- Sexual relationships suffer along with everything and everybody else. Partners stop communicating with each other and, very often stop sharing bedrooms. Children have no role models on which to form their own healthy sexual relationships.

Avoiding occasions

- Families begin to decline or stop receiving invitations to social events. They are embarrassed about previous scenes caused by the alcoholic. There have been many broken promises, disappointments and false hopes concerning his or her behaviour.

Love change

- Family members begin to hate a person they love. Drastic swings in feelings of affection occur which can result in guilt especially for children.

Inner rage

- Family members try to control the uncontrollable (the disease of alcoholism or addiction), and manage the unmanageable (the symptoms and progression of the disease). They fail. They feel angry with themselves, and at others.

Hopelessness and spiritual emptiness

- Too much anger, hurt and failure over too long a time rob families of any sense of hope, faith, fulfilment, or togetherness. Just like any other fatal disease, alcoholism or drug addiction destroys all phases of life.

Desire to punish

- Family members may want to punish the alcoholic or drug user. They perceive him or her as deliberately trying to hurt them and others. Simply put, hurt people often hurt other people.

Self-pity and remorse

- Spouses, parents and children of alcoholics or addicts may have a "poor me" attitude. Family members may inappropriately become "mothers", martyrs and/or managers. They assume full responsibility for everything and then feel sorry for themselves.

Widespread distrust

- Too many years of broken promises and shattered dreams may result in a serious distrust of self, as well as other people, places and things. Usually, all the things one thought would "surely work" (i.e. new car, new job, new house, move to a different area, etc) have failed to stop the drinking.

Rigidity and uneasiness with change

- Once they have learned a way to survive with alcoholism or drug addiction, family members don’t want to rock the boat and feel very reluctant to accept that they have been affected by the disease and to look for help for themselves or their children.

Education

- Family members are urged to learn the truth about the disease of alcoholism and addiction, how it affects the addicted person, and how it affects the family. To be informed is the key.

Support Groups

Al-Anon and Alateen are anonymous fellowships modelled after Alcoholics Anonymous. The Al-Anon Family Groups consist of relatives and friends of alcoholics or addicts who share their experiences, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. Marbella Rehab specialises in Family Counselling. Please feel free to call and speak in total confidentiality with a member of our team, who will be more than willing to help you with any questions you may have.

Visit www.al-anon.alateen.org for more information.