Before I found recovery at the age of 29, I had an inability to cope with life. While perhaps on the outside I looked like I was sort of coping, on the inside I always felt different, weird, odd-just not right. As a child I was bullied and there was violence in the home. I grew up loved but very fearful and lacking in confidence. I was scared of everything; I thought that everybody knew something about life that I did not know. When I was about 12 I found alcohol and started drinking heavily most weekends

This carried on through my teens, I became promiscuous and my morals just seemed to disappear. I just would not say ‘no’. I soon started taking drugs. Cocaine became my drug of choice. When I was 20 I was earning a lot of money, so I started doing large quantities of cocaine. Eventually after two or so years I had to have it every day, I would panic if I did not. I could not pay bills and I could not work anymore. I decided to run away from it all.

I moved it was still a problem I worked in a bar and I spent all my wages on drugs and drink. I got fired; I went back to university… At this point I stopped doing coke; I had to admit that it had become a problem drug. So I started smoking an enormous amount of weed and eating more. Eating had always been a way for me to fix myself (from the age of seven) however this had developed into Bulimia. The drink was always a problem but now it started to control my life and soon I was drinking everyday, travelling around the world, drugging and drinking. I forgot what it was like to feel anything, I was completely numb. Every time something went wrong I could stop myself feeling it by using something. I did not see the connection between these addictions and my unhappiness; I thought that it was the world at fault, so this is how I coped.

When I got back to the UK, I was 26 I got a good job and a good boyfriend. Cocaine started to creep back in as did my jealousy, paranoia and other stuff. It seemed every time I drank I wanted cocaine. I drove my boyfriend away with my increasingly demented behaviour. So I took a new hostage who enjoyed the binges and the drama, even he eventually decided that I was too much and he wanted a crack at normality. I started to isolate again, use alone again. I was lying about using and drinking to all my friends and family. Eventually I had no real friends, I did not want any, I just wanted to drink and use coke. The friends that I had would all use a lot as well which justified my using. However, I would still be up days after they had thrown in the towel.

I tried desperately to control it and no matter how many times I would say ‘not tonight’ ‘I just need to get through this weekend without using’. As soon as I had my first drink… fast forward three days and I would be calling in sick with more exaggerated excuses. I was living in a state of fear. I thought the world was against me and everyone hated me. I was withdrawn and fearful. After a big binge I suffered from extreme panic attacks, I thought I was going to die or go mad or both… I was just terrified of everything. Sometimes when it was really bad I would have an emergency bottle of water filled with vodka. Just in case.

I was blacking out regularly and had spent vast sums of money. I knew there was something wrong and I needed help. I knew that I was killing myself I had made a few attempts on my life and I felt I had reached the end I had two options live or die. I chose to live. I asked for help. I never thought that living without my addictions was possible. The thought terrified me. I also knew that if I had to carry on in my own life and try to stop on my own it just would not work. I found Marbella Rehabs number, I called and from there on I was looked after, I felt safe. I got there and found that I was not alone. The people there were all recovering from the same illness that I had thought was unique to me.

I am not saying that it was easy but it has worked, one day at a time, ‘I have found a new freedom and a new happiness’ as promised. I wake up in the morning and the feeling of dread has left me, I wake up and I am excited about the day ahead, I have routine, structure, friends and I am for the first time in my life truly happy and free.

I dealt with all of my addictions at once because they were in essence all the same thing. I learnt that I had to numb my feelings and my pain and I would use anything that would allow me to do this. The program here works because it helped me deal with my past, my guilt, shame and hopelessness. It also helped me plan a future and gave me tools to move forward with hope in my life. It was the phone call that changed my life; it has actually given me a life worth living, something that I thought was impossible for me to have.

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